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sh*t my spin instructor says

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So I’ve gotten to where I actually like spin class, and I’ve been trying to go at least once a week, if not multiple times. I like most of the teachers, with the exception of one who shall remain nameless. She’s just not motivating, and she talks way too much during class.

She’ll say things like, “You should be dying to stand up. You should really, really want to, but I’m not going to let you!” Or “Your quads should be burning right now…like, really on fire!” I mean, yes, my muscles are burning, but usually with other teachers I’m so into it that I’m not focusing on the pain. Another thing: She uses the same playlist. Every time. Even if the music is bad in a spin class, as long as it’s not the same damn thing every time, it’s not so bad.

There’s another instructor who isn’t necessarily a favorite but is still…entertaining. He plays a mish-mash of music and says the strangest things during class. For example, one class had a Michael McDonald-heavy playlist followed by two gospel songs at the very end, followed by some elevator music that sounded curiously like “The Girl from Ipanema.” Other times he’ll play R&B/pop hits from the 80s/early 90s. I feel like I’m riding a bike while watching Splash or Mannequin.

And as for the things he says…it’s always interesting to see what’s going to come out of his mouth (TWSS). Here are some of my favorites:

“Are you wet? Mmm-hmm, I know I am; I want you wet!” (during a particularly sweaty spin session)

“Oh, you know I have to get you all wet and then take you to the bedroom!” (while playing a sexy slow jam as we stretch post-class)

“This is the kinda music you play down in your basement, when you’re with someone special and you’ve got the red light bulb on.” (more slow jams)

“I’m so excited! Are you? You know I’m wearing these bike shorts so I really can’t hide it when I’m excited!” (singing along with the Pointer Sisters during jumps)

“During this next track, you’re really going to be sucking it down.” (referring to “sucking in wind” during sprints)

And another favorite from Body Pump:

“Squeeze those buns! If you don’t, no one else will!”

“Work those glutes! Do you want jelly or do you want jam?!?”

Needless to say, the class is actually pretty fun/funny and goes by fairly quickly. It’s almost worth it to go just to wait for the ridiculousness to come spilling out.

Does anyone else have any exercise instructors who are as, um, entertaining?


7 responses »

  1. Bahaha! “Do you want jelly or do you want jam?!” I don’t even know what that means! Haha.

    None of my spin instructors are that funny. There’s this one scary lady who likes to holler at the guys who walk by the class sometimes, but that’s it. I would not go back to a class that plays the same songs every time. How boring!

  2. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Whoa. You must not being going to the YMCA, because I don’t think instructors there could get away with verbally sexually abusing spinning attendees! I love spinning and I just recently got my friend Stephen to start coming with me by telling him that this one girl’s class was like a gay dance club on bikes, because she plays a lot of Lady Gaga, Britney, and Ke$ha. Sure enough, he loved it and sings along to all the songs while we spin away!

    I think I’d die if a spinning instructor told me he wanted to get me wet and take me to the bedroom, and I’m no prude (as you know.)

    I love the Body Pump comments. We have one guy who says “FIRE and ICEEEEEEEEEEEE, FIRE and ICEEEEEEEEEEEE” during overhead presses. He also runs around the room with about 75 pounds of barbell slung over his should and does this “ungh, ungh, ungh” thing while shouting people’s names. I wish I could do it justice in type.

    We also have a Power Yoga instructor who makes orgasm noises during class. She’ll say “BREAAAAATHEEEEE, like Darth Vaderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,” and then a big “Mmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. That feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good,” even though she’s just walking around the room telling us what to do and doesn’t do any of the poses herself. Hilarious.

  3. This made me nearly pee my pants. At my old gym, my spin instructors were also on the, um, intense side. But I have to say, no instructor ever told me that he wanted to get me wet and take me into the bedroom. That’s a first!

  4. Love!!! “Do you want jelly or do you want jam?” Classic!!

  5. I read this when you posted and meant to comment then!
    Sooo funny!
    I’ve had some really great instructors and some really terrible ones, but none of them ever said anything that entertaining. My worst favorite was a girl who was basically expressionless and just said stuff like, “Yea. Push it. Keep going,” in a monotone voice. It was one of the only exercise classes I’ve actually considered leaving half way through.

  6. This is hilarious! I’ve never taken a spin class before, but I can imagine. I suppose I’ve always been more of a lone excerise person. I like getting into my music… takes me away and helps me forget I’m excerising. But we should go one time, I’ll give anything a try once!

  7. hahaha!! Wow..that’s funny. I’m an instructor myself and am friends with another girl that instructs a few classes and she’s a lot like that, but that’s just her personality. People love it! But really ,it depends on your class and crowd. There’s another fairly flamboyant spin instructor there that sometimes misses the spot on his jokes..but he still makes the class interesting.


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