Hello all! I know I’ve not posted in about week, which was just when I was getting back into my posting groove, but I’ve been without Internets for a while. Fortunately, Brighthouse is mending our connection, and we should be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon. I have so many things left to catch you all up on—including some fabulous recipes!
Here we are, at the first of the year. New year, new you…and all that bullshit. I’ve seen a lot of bloggers speak about the prevalence of weight loss solutions in all aspects of social marketing this time of year. (Hello, Groupon has been subtly calling me fat in my inbox at least twice a week.) Weight Watchers is showcasing a sleek and sexy Jennifer Hudson wearing a second-skin white dress in their new commercial in which she roars, “it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day…”
And it is. The first of the year is honestly just another day, but it brings with it a fresh new calendar page. A new year to remember when you’re dating a page or signing a check. (Does anyone out there still use checks, like me? Anyone?) A blank slate, wiped clean of last year’s transgressions.
I’ve always loved the newness brought on by January 1. Two years ago, in 2009, I was miserable. I had gained a lot of weight, tried to lose it unsuccessfully (for the most part), and I was just not happy. I had a great boyfriend, but my bad attitude was preventing me from investing my whole self (as big as the whole self was) into developing a happy and stable relationship. I vowed to change.
And I did. I lost about 30 pounds that year. I found a new love for running. I joined a gym. I ran my first 5k, then another. I was lighter on December 31 2009 than I’d been since I moved to Birmingham. I remember thinking at the end of 2008, “Please, just let me make it through the holidays, then I’ll regain my focus. New year, new me.” And while a lot of people say that, I took it to heart and made my health, my life, myself my goal.
The beginning of last year was good. I ran five more 5ks and two 10ks. I hit my all-time lowest weight and reached 50 pounds lost. Jonathan and I celebrated two years of happiness. I had muscles in places I didn’t realize muscles existed. I was proud of me.
And just like that, it was gone. Things started to slowly snowball as everything went downhill. I wish I could say that I remember the exact point when it got out of hand, but I don’t. I stopped running so much over the summer. I wasn’t in the gym like I once was. Muscle definition disappeared, quietly taking with it my stamina and determination. In its place were ten extra pounds, leading to a self-loathing that earned me ten more—a total of 20.
I struggle with binge eating. And I don’t mean, “OMG, I can’t believe I ate three slices of pizza.” I mean, coming home from work and staring into the fridge. Making a peanut butter sandwich. And then a bowl of cereal. Then some nuts. Maybe another bowl of cereal. All while knowing I’m still going to make dinner.
I don’t keep crap food in my house, but I don’t think a lot of people realize how little that means. You can still over-indulge on healthy foods. Nuts, peanut butter, cereal, hummus, whole-wheat bread, cheese. All good in moderation, but not all at the same time.
I love food. I love way it tastes. I enjoy textures, and how certain flavor combinations are just out of this world. They make me want to have more of that smooth, melty, salty, crunchy, chewy pleasure. I love to cook, which often means that I’m faced with more food than I can handle. It’s overwhelming.
What am I getting at, you might be asking? Well, it’s a new year. A new dawn, a new day. And I’m ready to get myself back to where I used to be; back to good. I’m ready to regain control of my life again. One of my goals this year, on top of continuing to journal my food, is to figure out why I eat.
Since the first of the year, I’ve been writing down not only what I’ve eaten, but how I’ve felt as I’ve eaten it. Why I’m eating. What I’m feeling. Am I feeding a real hunger, or am I masking something deeper? I’ve been guilty in the past of stuffing myself past the point of satiety and until I’m so painfully full that I can focus on the physical pain of overeating, instead of the underlying emotions that are causing me to eat.
As this new calendar page is turned and pinned back, as new planners are purchased and resolutions are made, my mission for 2011 is this: Repair my broken relationship with food. Regain my trust in myself to take care of me, and my needs. And most of all, get me back to a state that I’m proud of. I don’t like me very much these days, and I don’t like feeling that way. I want to be the one person that can’t let me down, and that’s definitely not true right now. I want to be able to take comfort in knowing that no matter what 2011 brings my way, I can always rely on myself to make the right decision and be the healthiest me that I can be.
I’ll be posting my “goalutions” later (including something super big that I’m taking on this weekend!), but this was just something I wanted to get off my chest. I know I’m not always one for serious stuff, but I hope that you understand that this something that’s been plaguing me for a while, and putting it into words was the most cathartic release I could think of.
How do you feel about the New Year? Do you take the time to put old plans and exhausted words into action?