Sometimes I get a little bored, and my mind tends to wander while I’m on the internet. I hardly ever peruse magazine Web sites online, but somehow I came across Cosmo.com. This one article’s teaser caught my eye, and I felt so compelled to laugh out loud. I feel as if I must share this with you.
The article was “Sex Tips From Guys,” and here are a few of the sparkling gems I chose to disclose to you, my friends. My comments are below:
“The night after I got a big promotion, my girl announced that was going to give me only oral sex—all night.” Kenneth, 32
Oh really, Kenneth? My only hope is that you rewarded her with a huge tube of Chap-It and some Ibuprofen.
“My fiance will lean back on the bed and use her fingers to spread herself wide. It’s as if she’s inviting me to explore her body.” Art, 29
Maybe she just had an itch.
“Wet your lips and moan that you can’t to taste me.” Sam, 22
You have got to be freaking kidding me. Sam,22 has seen way too many porn movies.
“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet t-shirt. The sight was jaw dropping.” Nick, 30
Not too mention unpractical and unhealthy. She could have caught her death of cold.
“News flash: Guys have nipples too.” Rory, 21
WTF??? Are you serious? Guys have nipples too?
“Wear silk gloves to bed and rub them against sensitive regions, like my treasure trail.” Louis, 24
Oh yes, let me get out one of my many, many pairs of silk gloves. And treasure trail? Really?
“My girlfriend pretend not to want to kiss me. I had to pry her mouth open passionately with my tongue.” Ron, 25
Maybe she wasn’t pretending, Ron. That’s not foreplay; it’s date rape.
“Do what my first girl did: Moan my name while I pressure you.” Eddie, 28
Must we dwell on the past, Eddie? “Eddie…oh, Eddie…Eddie…” That does sound like mystical music.
“Right before I climax, spread your legs wide. It allows me plunge really deeply as I explode with pleasure.” Meyer, 26
‘Explode with pleasure’? Really? Who wrote this, Meyer, 26 or Fabio?
“While we were going at it from behind, this woman I was with let out a guttral scream. I’d sure like to hear that again.” Nick, 28
Why don’t you try punching her in the face?
“Brush your teeth with some minty toothpaste before going down on me. It’ll feel extra shivery.” Patrick, 24
Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of brushing your teeth?
“My old girlfriend would have me pull out so she could rub my shaft against her external wetness.” Spence, 22
‘External wetness’? That sounds like a phrase you’d use after the one, “i peed my pants.”
“One night, my girlfriend stopped the action and pointed to a camera she had set up in the corner.” Justin, 21
That sounds like an episode of Law & Order waiting to happen.